Another step in my ten-year masochism plan.

I just finished watching Twilight.

The acting is probably the most atrocious excuse for the seventh art I have ever seen in my life. And I've seen a load of horrible flicks in my days. Nothing beats lighting a joint with friends and watching pathetic excuses for cinema to laugh your ass off. But not even pot could save this - even if I had any at the moment. Which I don't. Anyway. I think the director - whatever that retarded bitch is called - actually told the guy playing Edward (by the way, wasn't he supposed to be the guy all the teenage girls are falling for? Him? I might be out of the loop here - you know, being straight and all - but really? Oh. Wow.) to act every scene he was in as if "EDWARD HAS MAKE POOPY IN PANTS OK?". 'Cause honest to God, that's how it looked. And as much as I enjoyed Kirsten Stewart's performance in Adventureland (which I recommend watching), she just looked like she had a severe case of total, utter, all-devouring mental retardation.

A pretty hefty chunk of my soul and brain rotted away slowly as the movie progressed, and I was close to slitting my wrists when that fucking vampire dude started glittering. Furthermore, I think I may have suffered severe damage from clawing at my eyes because of the horrible editing and camera work. There's blood everywhere.
By the time the baseball scene ended, I was convinced that everything beautiful in this world had been forsaken - after all, how could a species that loves fine and subtle art make this bullshit - and I took to the streets with a large heavy wooden stick, determined to destroy anything on my path. As I screamed "ALL FUCKING HOPE IS LOST! THE MOTHERFUCKER GLITTERS IN THE SUNLIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER, IN ANY POSSIBLE SCENARIO THINKABLE BY RATIONAL MEN, THINK THIS IS AN OKAY THING? HOW CAN THIS BE LEGAL? HOW?", I flung my heavy stick about relentlessly, hitting anything I could. Skulls of the elderly were bashed in. Newborn kittens were stomped under raging heels. Toddlers were punted by kicks of fury into fiery pits of eternal damnation. I had no mercy. I had no compassion. All I had was hate-fueled rage and an all-consuming desire to annihilate. As I stood panting above a mountain of corpses I had gathered, I wiped away the blood and tissue that had splattered all over my anger-ridden face, cracked the last living skull with a swift stomp and roared to the heavens. "THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE FOR BRINGING SUCH AN ABOMINATION INTO THIS UNIVERSE, HUMANITY. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSELF. I AM SIMPLY THE MESSENGER OF DOOM."

Finally, I went home to make a peanut butter sandwich and take a well-earned shower. As you may or may not have noticed, I did not like this movie.


But nonetheless, Kirsten Stewart is a fine piece of tail. M-mm. Damn.